Ideas for negotiation

Photo by Gennady Kurushin, 2024

Negotiation is an important and valuable part of session, before touching the rope. You can pick up the questions that feel most relevant to you and the context of tying you’re engaging in, and use them as prompts for discussion and self reflection. Remember: If there's no clear yes, treat it as a no.

Preparing for tying

Just start here, you are all just human and need to be treated like ones. It can be a good idea to take time to calm down and check in with yourself and with your partner(s).

• How are you doing/feeling today mentally and physically? What’s your energy level? 

• Are you in the suitable mindset/headspace and physically prepared to engage in shibari?

• Contact or warm up -exercises. Would they be helpful and something you would want to do before tying?

• Do you have some routines or rituals that help you prepare for tying? (For ex. changing your clothes, setting the ropes and space ready, warming up, music...)
  
  

Experience and background

• Have you done ropes before? If so, how much and what kind of experiences?

• Do you have experience in (other) kink/BDSM activities? If so, what kind?

• Is shibari kinky for you? (Doesn’t need to be!) 

• Do you have a role/roles that you identify with in shibari and/or kink context?

• What’s your experience of your gender?

• How would you describe your sexuality? Is shibari sexual for you?

• How do you see our relationship?
  
  

Communication 

• How do you prefer to negotiate and communicate before, during and after the play/tying?

• Is renegotiation during a scene okay, or do we want to stick to what we’ve agreed upon before the session?

• How do you express reactions?

• For example: Are you usually expressive, loud and communicate outwards or more subtle, quiet, inside your head?

• Does it differ depending on the kind of play that you’re participating in?

• How do you react and look like when you're having fun?

• And when you're not having fun?

• Do you enter different mental states during tying (such as sub-/topspace, rope space)? If so, how do you communicate and behave in them? How would you like to handle a situation like that?
  
  

Safety

• Are you familiar with different risks related to rope? Have you made a risk profile?

• What risks are you willing to take?

• What risks might you take (under certain circumstances)?

• What risks are you not willing to take (ever)?

• How to mitigate the risks? 

• Are we on the same page on the risks?

• What kind of safety mechanics do you want to use? For example, verbal vs. non-verbal: talking, gestures, safe words etc. (remember to agree about their meaning) 

• How do you want to communicate, handle and process, if something goes wrong?

• How do you feel about possible marks (rope marks, rope burns, bruises…)? Are there some parts of your body you don’t want to risk having marks?

• Do you have prior injuries or health conditions that your tying partner should be aware of?

• Are you able to recognize nerve issues and blood circulation loss symptoms? 

• Do you know how to do nerve checks? 

• Have you had nerve issues or caused them to someone? If so, where, what kind of symptoms and how long?
  
  

Intention

• What’s the intention for the tying? What are you looking for to do?

• For example: technical / session / something else, self tying, floor work / (semi-)suspensions, etc.

• If you are doing labbing/practicing, do you wish your tying partner helps and gives advice or do you prefer them not to?

• Why do you want to tie me / get tied by me?

• What do you want to do with me (in general, or today?)

• Where and how would you like to tie with me? (in general, or today?)
  
  

Wants, expectations and limits 

• What kind of atmosphere, mood, emotions or sensations would you like to experience?

• What do you like?

• What are your desires and fantasies? What’s the first fantasy you remember?

• What don’t you like?

• Soft limits

• Hard limits

• What are you scared of?

• Traumas and triggers

• If you get triggered, how can I support you?

• Are you able to recognize if something is causing you to get close to a limit or a boundary? How do you feel and behave then and how would you prefer to communicate about it?

• In what ways can we go towards the things we want and steer away from things that we don’t want?

• Where on the body do you like to be touched or tied / to touch or tie? What kind of touch?

• Where you don’t like to be touched or tied / to touch or tie?

• Does touching and tying a specific part of your body make you feel a certain way? (for example: strong, vulnerable, safe, loved, excited, nervous, ashamed, seen, abandoned…)

• Does placing and tying your partner or being placed and tied in a certain position make you feel a certain way?
  
  

Play preferences 

• Are there some dynamics, types of play or equipment/toys that you would like to include into your rope play?

• Is there something you want to do privately but not in the more public spaces (parties, workshops, peer learning events etc)? And vice versa?

For example:

• Are you interested in a meditative, calm, non-painful experience?

• Are you interested in power play, power exchange or D/S?

• Do you have experience in power play or D/S dynamics?

• Are you interested in role play?

• Are you interested in bratting / brat taming? 

• Are you interested in being praised / to praise? If so, what kind of words would you like and not like? 

• Are you interested in degradation or humiliation? If so, what kind of degradation or humiliation (verbal / physical)?

• Are you interested in receiving or inflicting pain? If so, what kind of pain? 

• If you’re into pain, how do you react to the good kind of pain? Do you laugh, cry, moan, make other sounds, silently enjoy or something else?

• How do you react to bad/unwanted/unpleasant pain?

• Are you interested in sexual play? If so, what kind of sexual play?

• What does sex or sexual mean to you?

• Are you interested in playing with senses and/or sensory deprivation? (such as blindfolding, wax play, ear plugs, headphones…)

• Is edgeplay something you are interested in? 

• Have you educated yourself on those topics and their risks (for ex. attended a workshop)? Do you have prior experience? (for ex. breath play, impact play and suspensions)

• Are you into some other kind of play not mentioned here? (The possibilities are endless!)
  

After care

• What kind of aftercare do you want and need? What’s going to happen after the tying?

• How do you prefer people to show they care about you?

• Do you wish to have a general check up a day or two after the tying?

• How do you want to be in touch after the session? (texting, friends, rope buddies…) After the session: How do you feel about it now?

• Have you experienced a drop / post-low after scenes before? How do you wish to prepare for and handle it?

• How much and in what way do you like to talk about the session right after it? Do you want to calm down and hang out, or do you want to analyze what happened? How do you want to share feelings / emotions?
  
  

In conclusion

• Do we have enough common ground to want to tie together? 

• Please remember that negotiating doesn’t automatically need to lead to tying, and it’s not a failure if it doesn’t. Saying no is welcomed - and a sign that you are taking care of yourself, your needs and boundaries. <3
  

We embrace open communication that includes constructive criticism but also enthusiastic appreciation.