Ideas for negotiation

Photo by Gennady Kurushin, 2024

All parties should ask each other about their desires, boundaries and limitations.
Here is an example of what kind of questions you could ask.
Remember: If there's no clear yes, treat it as a no.

How was your day and what kind of mood are you in right now?

Just start here, you are all just human and need to be treated like ones. Chat and see how it feels, do you feel safe and  are you having fun with this person? If you feel like you don’t want to tie after all, you are allowed to say so. If you vibe together that's a good starting point.

What is your rope background? What do you know about nerves and risks?

If even one of you is a newbie, we suggest starting with something simple for ex.. a simple rope wrapping exercise! Give them space and go slowly. If you're tying together for the first time, try with a short tying session first, discuss it, and then continue if it feels good for you all.

What are you looking for today in ropes?

For ex. labbing a certain pattern, playing, having a session, doing something completely different?
What kind of mood are you looking for? For ex. a playful, soft, challenging, sexual, platonic, chaotic…

What kind of things do you like in ropes? What do you dislike? Hard limits?

For ex. I like / don’t like: Feeling _, To be called _, rope on my _, touch on my _, blindfolds, closeness, pain, giving pain, tickling, tying/being in a specific tie. I don’t want: rope on my crotch / to tie neck rope…

Everyone has boundaries, saying you don’t have them might just mean you don’t know them yet!

Is there something I should know about you or your body? 

For ex. Have you eaten enough? Chronic pain, injury, nerve damage, triggers, do you faint easily…

Are we going to do suspensions / partial suspensions? Do you know the risks? 

What is your experience with suspensions? We strongly suggest you stay on the floor if: this is your first time tying together, especially if this is your first time in ropes / you are tying someone who is new to ropes. 

How do we communicate?    

How do we communicate about ex. bad pain, numbness, time out, dizziness or if something feels awesome! How do I know when you are having a good / bad time? ex. sounds, faces, gestures you might be doing. 

What are our safe words and how do we use them? Non verbal safety gestures, if you can't speak?    

For ex. ‘‘Red’’ means stop everything and untie, if nothing else has been negotiated treat ‘‘no’’ as a no. For a safety gesture you could tap three times to signal that you don’t like this thing that I’m doing. 

How do you want us to do checks during tying?

For ex. verbally asking how are you feeling? Is this ok? Or non verbally ‘‘if i touch your hand you can press it once if everything is fine, twice if you want me to ask what do you need.’’

What kind of after care do you need?

 For ex. hugs, talking, food, space, closeness, texting… Make sure that you all get aftercare!

What kind of support do you need if something goes wrong? 

For ex. what if one of you faints, a boundary has been crossed, nerve damage, panic attack.. What you might need: space, closeness, talking together, talking to a friend, talking to an organizer, processing things first alone and later together, texting if talking feels overwhelming, watching funny videos to calm down.
In emergencies always ask help from the people who are closest to you

Is there anything else I should know before we start?

It's important to communicate when something doesn't feel right. Let your partner(s) know that it's ok to stop or pause mid session. Everyone has a right to change their mind.

In the end do a small recap of the most important things you negotiated and what kind of mindset you both are in right now.

We embrace open communication that includes constructive criticism but also enthusiastic appreciation.